Thoughts While Quitting
I’ve smoked for about 14 years and I recognize I need to quit sooner rather than later. Problem is, I still enjoy smoking very much and don’t feel any negative side effects. Regardless, it is time. I want to share with you some of my thoughts as I experience this. I am using the patch and gum… I will have to resort to stronger measures if they do not work. I am strong willed… but strong willed to things I truly commit to and I am not sure I am exactly all in.
9:00am - I am conscious that today is my first day of not smoking. I typically don’t smoke during the day so I feel completely fine now. I generally smoke a pack between the hours of 6:00pm and 10:00pm. I am not wearing the patch right now… no need if I am not feeling withdrawal, right?
12:00pm - Talked about how sophisticated and elegant I find smoking during lunch time.
1:30pm - I still feel fine but just as a precaution I decided to go ahead and use the patch. There is a weird sensation when it hits the skin.
2:00pm - I feel confused, dizzy, and a bit nauseous, likely side effects of the 21mg nicotine patch, yay.
5:00pm - Out of work, thinking about smoking… or, rather, not smoking. Going to keep my mind off of it with some busy work.
6:00pm - Appetite has definitely increased. I haven’t been eating dinner very often for years. Eating dinner now and then I am going to relax by watching a show.
7:00pm - No real urges to smoke, which is great, but now it’s time for dinner number 2.
9:00pm - I decide to use a little NyQuil to help me sleep. Not doctor recommended, but I know I will be lying awake until 1 or 2 AM and at that point I will only be thinking about smoking.
7:45am - I left the house this morning for work incredibly sad. I am losing a very good friend by quitting. My Pall Mall menthol 100’s have been there for me.. for so long and through so much. Why am I abandoning them?
8:00am - Trying to focus on work. Not using the patch until I absolutely need to.
11:30am - At the gym for my lunch break. It feels good and I am thinking about how it feels so much better to be exercising than sitting on the porch smoking like a chimney.
12:30pm - Ran a quick errand at Walmart post workout. That good feeling didn’t last long. I just was very mean to a worker there. I hope they forgive me. I need to put a patch on ASAP.
2:00pm - Patch is on but I have been trying to convince myself for the past hour and a half that a Black & Mild isn’t cheating because it is a cigarillo not a cigarette.
4:30pm - It is near the end of the work day and most of my thoughts have been about smoking. Trying to convince myself this is worth it.
5:30pm - I made it home without stopping at the gas station for a pack in a haze… or in a frenzy. I am now chewing gum frantically. I hope I can make it to the end of the day. Cigarillo’s are fine, right?
6:30pm - Getting ready to go to a meeting. Only thing is I will be in my car which could end up at a place that sells cigarettes… or cigarillo’s. I had to take the patch off. It was nauseating.
9:30pm - Meeting finally let out. I have already determined in my mind that I am smoking a cigarette tonight. I stop at the gas station. I buy a pack of Pall Mall dark menthol, regular. Not my usual. I am hoping it will throw me off. Back at home and I am not discreet about it at all with my house boss. I smoke a couple on the porch. Okay six. I didn’t enjoy them at all… is this a good sign?
10:00pm - In bed. I will not let that slip up stop me from pushing forward. Tomorrow is a new day.
I think about how this all started. I was always anti-smoking growing up. I found it repulsive. Then, when I was in Germany as an exchange student, I had a friend who was in a band. I saw him smoking one day and was stunned… “You’re the singer of your band. Why would you destroy your voice by smoking?” I asked in broken German. He replied, “It textures and deepens my voice.”
That was it. Deepens voice. I started smoking. I became addicted. And you know what?
My voice is still the same as it ever was.